Tag Archives: humor

Top Ten games not To Play at the Church New Year’s Party

31 Dec

Usually on New Year’s Eve I find myself hanging out with people from my church. This is mainly out of guilt…and my complete lack of friends outside of the church. So throughout the years of attending church New Year ’s Eve parties I have discovered that there are some games you shouldn’t play. Here are the top ten:

 10. Twister. The fact is there just isn’t enough room on a Twister mat for very many Baptists. And trust me, you don’t want a pic of your face at the rear of the Chairman of Deacons floating around on Facebook.

 9. Truth or Dare. This just can’t go well. Especially if you are a pastor. If you pick “truth” they may be like “Do you have any resumes out?” If you choose “dare” the youth guy will have you shaving your eye brows.

8. Quarters. That’s the old drinking game. You feel a glass with beer. If you ring it you make someone else drink it, if you miss you have to drink it. Your pastor just isn’t going to feel comfortable with this going on. And in about thirty minutes someone is going to really loosen up & start saying things they have wanted to say for a long time. It won’t be edifying either.

 7. The choking game. This is the one the kids play. They choke each other until they pass out. It’s supposed to give some kind of a high. Now granted, there are some people at the party I know you would like to choke. But please don’t play this game. It’s really dangerous.

 6. 5 Card Draw. In my experience those who lose take it out of their tithe and the ones that win don’t consider the money income, so they don’t tithe off of it. So it’s best if everyone’s money stays in their own pocket.

5. Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board. In this game folks lift a person with their fingers while they chant “Light as a feather stiff as a board.”  I can speak for Baptists, none of us are light as a feather. But a lot of us are stiff as a board.

4. Ouija Board. Don’t think that some of your church members don’t have a Ouija board laying around. When things get boring someone is likely to bring it out, “just for fun.” Halfway through the game you may get a knock on the door and find Elijah ready to call down fire from heaven. You have been warned.

 3. Chicken. This is the game where two cars race toward one another until one chickens out and turns away. This game is actually played at many churches on Sunday mornings between the two services. But it’s not a good idea to play it at the party. Especially if you have any rednecks with over-sized tires on their trucks.

 2. Seven Minutes in Heaven. You know, the game where you are locked in a dark room with another person for seven minutes. I mean, what if you and the worship leader have to go in there? Could you imagine the rumors?

1. Spin the Bottle. Just not a good idea. Ever. My daughter asked about this game the other day and my wife said, I quote, “You are never allowed to play spin the bottle…unless you’re married.” She’s right. This game is reserved for two players who are married to one another.

I hope you all have a happy new year. Be safe. Be wise. And if possible, just stay home.

SIgns You May Not Last Long

6 Feb

The average tenure of a pastor isn’t anything to brag about. It’s a little scary, actually. So I have put together some warning signs that you may want to watch for. If any of these are true of you, don’t throw your boxes away just yet. You may need them again real soon..

1. They give you the keys to the buildings…and the lawnmower. I’ve mowed a lot of grass for the church. Nothing wrong with that. But if a church expects the pastor to do such jobs it could make for a tough ride.

2. You find out the new & exciting church the previous pastor was “called to” is the one you just left. Everything looks good when your present circumstances are horrible. Trials have a way of blurring our vision. My advice is, if possible, never make a major decision in the midst of a trial. And in most instances it is a MUST to speak with the previous pastor about the church.

3. The pianist has a spittoon. This can’t be a good sign. I didn’t make this one up either. It is a reality. Leadership must understand they will have to make adjustments to keep from casting stumbling blocks before others. If they are not willing to do this, it will be tough to lead.

4. There are two deacons meetings each month. You are invited to one. There is no place in ministry for a dictatorship. But the pastor must be involved in the leadership of the church. Regularly scheduled meetings of the leadership that do not include the pastor are a sign of a spiritually sick church.

5. You recognize all of your deacons have the same last name. Never a good idea. Especially in a smaller church. Allegiance is too often with family rather than with Scripture.

6. The church has had five pastors in seven years, but the same worship leader for ten. Watch out for staff that seem to always go unscathed while other staff are given the boot. Not the case always, but sometimes they are the source of the problem.

7. You look out the window & the deacons are marching around the pastorium carrying shofars. I envy churches that are elder led. But the fact is in my denomination most are deacon led. If the deacons are against you, it’s tough.

8. Your leadership meetings always end with “Let’s ask the deacons first.” If approval for everything is contingent upon the deacons you could be in trouble. If you have good and godly deacons that may not be the case. But too often deacons are where they are because they are “good” and not necessarily “godly”.

9. You get a list of “expectations” and preaching isn’t one of them. Churches normally come up with their own expectations for a pastor. And sadly, those expectations often do not originate with the Word of God. As a pastor you will recognize that your most important job is preaching/teaching the Word. If the church does not see that, it  could cause serious tension.

Remember “It’s better to want what you don’t have than have what you don’t want!” Don’t be so quick to go to a new church. Check it out first. Take your time. Ask tough questions. You will never experience the fruitfulness that longevity brings bouncing from church to church.