Archive | December, 2013

Top Ten games not To Play at the Church New Year’s Party

31 Dec

Usually on New Year’s Eve I find myself hanging out with people from my church. This is mainly out of guilt…and my complete lack of friends outside of the church. So throughout the years of attending church New Year ’s Eve parties I have discovered that there are some games you shouldn’t play. Here are the top ten:

 10. Twister. The fact is there just isn’t enough room on a Twister mat for very many Baptists. And trust me, you don’t want a pic of your face at the rear of the Chairman of Deacons floating around on Facebook.

 9. Truth or Dare. This just can’t go well. Especially if you are a pastor. If you pick “truth” they may be like “Do you have any resumes out?” If you choose “dare” the youth guy will have you shaving your eye brows.

8. Quarters. That’s the old drinking game. You feel a glass with beer. If you ring it you make someone else drink it, if you miss you have to drink it. Your pastor just isn’t going to feel comfortable with this going on. And in about thirty minutes someone is going to really loosen up & start saying things they have wanted to say for a long time. It won’t be edifying either.

 7. The choking game. This is the one the kids play. They choke each other until they pass out. It’s supposed to give some kind of a high. Now granted, there are some people at the party I know you would like to choke. But please don’t play this game. It’s really dangerous.

 6. 5 Card Draw. In my experience those who lose take it out of their tithe and the ones that win don’t consider the money income, so they don’t tithe off of it. So it’s best if everyone’s money stays in their own pocket.

5. Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board. In this game folks lift a person with their fingers while they chant “Light as a feather stiff as a board.”  I can speak for Baptists, none of us are light as a feather. But a lot of us are stiff as a board.

4. Ouija Board. Don’t think that some of your church members don’t have a Ouija board laying around. When things get boring someone is likely to bring it out, “just for fun.” Halfway through the game you may get a knock on the door and find Elijah ready to call down fire from heaven. You have been warned.

 3. Chicken. This is the game where two cars race toward one another until one chickens out and turns away. This game is actually played at many churches on Sunday mornings between the two services. But it’s not a good idea to play it at the party. Especially if you have any rednecks with over-sized tires on their trucks.

 2. Seven Minutes in Heaven. You know, the game where you are locked in a dark room with another person for seven minutes. I mean, what if you and the worship leader have to go in there? Could you imagine the rumors?

1. Spin the Bottle. Just not a good idea. Ever. My daughter asked about this game the other day and my wife said, I quote, “You are never allowed to play spin the bottle…unless you’re married.” She’s right. This game is reserved for two players who are married to one another.

I hope you all have a happy new year. Be safe. Be wise. And if possible, just stay home.

I Lied Without Saying a Word

11 Dec

Life hasn’t been easy around my house lately. My wife had a bit of an accident. She made some chili for the world hunger night at church. After service was over she returned home without her crock pot. Realizing she had forgotten it and holding on to the hope that perhaps there was some chili left for her, she made her way back to the church. It was no great surprise when she discovered an empty vessel. I was in a meeting. My meeting expired while my wife was still at the church. I traveled the 100 yards to my home only to discover that my wife was not there. That isn’t anything new. She often stays at the church to fellowship with others.

I got comfortable in a T-shirt and some pajama bottoms. I sat down to enjoy a little TV while my daughter was getting a shower. After a few minutes I heard the alarm on my wife’s car go off, you know the honking of the horn that happens when you push that little button? I stepped outside and heard my wife calling my name. She was lying on the ground at the bottom of the steps of the church. Long story short, she broke her ankle.

Fast forward 5 weeks. We are at the doctor waiting to have her ankle x-rayed again. We are sitting in the lobby hoping our name is called soon. There are only two other people there. The door opens and in comes a big dude with lots of tattoos. He steps to the receptionist and explains that he has some fruit he is selling. She isn’t interested but says she will check with her associates and tells him to have a seat in the lobby.

This is where it gets interesting. I don’t know why but I attract “different” people. Normal people never sit near me. “Different” people do. Just as I expected he began making his way right over to me. So I’m thinking “Oh man this dude is gonna try to sell me some fruit & I’m just not interested.” So I decided to make a strategic, yet sinful move.  I tilted my head back, closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I know, I’m an awful human being.

A very short amount of time passed before I heard my name. No, it wasn’t from the receptionist. It was from the big rough looking dude. I opened my eyes and when I looked at him I immediately knew who he was. He was a guy that I knew from my hometown. I didn’t grow up in church. I lived an extremely rebellious lifestyle. My life was plagued with addictions and I have found myself in jail on more than one occasion. This was one of the guys I would run with. He was really excited to see me. He explained how Jesus had changed his life and he had heard that I had gotten saved as well. I introduced him to my wife and daughter and shared with him that I was now a pastor. We rejoiced in the saving power of Jesus in that lobby.

In the meantime the receptionist came back and shared that no one was interested in the fruit. My friend left. I was really quiet. I felt horrible. My wife broke the silence with “I guess we should have bought some fruit.” Which is exactly what I was thinking. But the whole situation gave me time to reflect. I can be really greedy with my money. Instead of being paranoid that everyone is out to get my ten bucks, I need to be concerned with how I can use my money to bless others. Especially with the gospel. Let’s be generous this year. Let’s use our generosity to bless saints and build bridges with sinners. I’m pretty sure that’s why God lets us have money anyway.