8 People You Need to be Warned About Before You Go To Church

10 Oct

If you are thinking about attending a Baptist church, this is an article you need to read. There are some folks you are going to meet there. It’s best if you are warned about them beforehand. Trust me; a little heads up will go a long way. You’re going to be glad you educated yourself beforehand. This list isn’t exhaustive, but it will get you started.

Broke Neck– This person usually sits up front. When you make a sound, any sound, he will quickly turn around and make eye contact with you. There have been documented cases in which a Broke Neck has spun his head around a full 360 degrees. Broke Neck doesn’t want anyone except the pastor making a sound in church. He never gets up to go to the bathroom. He never clears his throat or sneezes and his stomach has never growled in church. His phone has never rung nor has his children ever made any noise in church. This person will frighten you greatly. But rest assured, he will never move to the back of the church. He doesn’t like distractions.

Candy Man–  As soon as it’s time to begin the sermon this person will break out candy enclosed in  a very loud wrapper. He will open it very slowly because he thinks that makes it quieter. His candy lasts about 10 minutes so you can expect in a thirty minute sermon to be distracted by him about 3 times.  You will find yourself fantasizing about snatching his candy from him, unwrapping it and shoving it in his mouth. Do not give into that temptation.  Under no circumstances is Candy Man to sit near Broke Neck. That would be a disaster.

Mad Max– He believes the Bible and he’s mad about it. Kids are too loud, church is too long, people are too laid back, preacher’s too lazy, America is going downhill. He’s mad. And he’s going to stay mad. Don’t take it personal. He hates everyone equally.

Smiley– Often times this is a woman. Smiley is always happy. It will be really cool at first. But then you start wondering how this person could actually be this happy all the time. You are extremely suspicious. You will find yourself saying odd things to her like “My cat got ran over” or “I’m thinking about relapsing” just to get her to quit smiling. But it won’t work. If you could drug test one person in the church it would be her.

Flash Gordon This is a kid. This kid is wide open all the time. He is loud. He is into everything. He has an inside voice but it’s the same as his outside voice. Everyone knows this kid. No one likes this kid. Mad Max would love to keep this kid for a week.

Mr. Boring This person exudes boredom. They don’t know it, but they do. But they like to talk, give announcements, and share a story. They talk in a monotone voice and pause frequently. If they ask the pastor for 2 minutes we assume it will be twenty.

The Brady BunchThis is a family. It’s a big family. And it’s going to get bigger. They’ve been parking in the “Expectant Mothers” parking spot for the last 7 years. The crazy thing is that they are always at church, they are dressed neatly, they volunteer regularly and they have a really positive outlook. The kids get along. The dad opens the door for mom. They seem perfect. You are usually late for church and all you have is a goldfish to take care of. These folks will amaze you. You’re pretty sure TLC will approach them very soon with a TV deal.

Dr. NoHe’s an eternal pessimist. The church of today stinks. The church of yesterday was perfect. If you ever attend a business meeting you’ll meet him. He lives for church business meetings. If the pastor wants to try something new, forget it. If the church needs to spend some money that isn’t in the budget he’ll have something to say.

As I mentioned, this list isn’t exhaustive. But after reading about these few, you may wonder “Why even go to church?” All of these folks are what make church beautiful. Church is a place of grace. It’s a place for messed up people with problems that make us laugh sometimes and cry at others. At church we learn to get along with people that we consider aggravating or odd. They remind us of how petty we can be. They remind us of our own impatience or unwillingness to accept others. Church is a freak show of sorts. And if we look close enough we may find that we have a little freak in us as well. If we forsake the church we forsake an opportunity to grow in grace. God uses messed up people to remind us of how messed up we are. So don’t let these folks keep you out of church. Let them remind you of how much we all need God’s grace.

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3 Responses to “8 People You Need to be Warned About Before You Go To Church”

  1. davidhellsten October 10, 2013 at 9:15 am #

    Great – starting with a “rant” and making it point to the grace of God.
    And it’s so true – we don’t just want perfect people in church, a) because that would be boring, b) because we wound feel out of place and c) because there aren’t any…

  2. Rose M October 10, 2013 at 10:06 am #

    I didn’t even know you had a blog. Wait … everyone has a blog so never mind. :), As always a very funny post and I only have one quip. This is true in every church I have attended, not just Baptist. I even see myself in one or two of those points. I’ll never tell you which one though.

  3. Carey October 10, 2013 at 11:04 am #

    Great post. So true. So funny. So important to open our arms to everyone that enters our wacky church family. Great closing paragraph!

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