You Might Be A Small Church Pastor If…

25 Mar

1) You open each service with “These are my deacons, I am who they say I am, I can do what they say I can do…”

2) At least three times a week someone says to you “I noticed your car was at your house.”

3) The phrase “But we’re a loving church” is the church’s unofficial motto.

4) When someone in your church has their picture in the paper it will be pinned to the bulletin board. 

5) You have two revivals a year. The Pastor gets to pick the speaker for one and the deacons get to pick the speaker for the other.

6) You have more deacons than widows.

7) You have more deacons than windows.

8) The budget committee just whites out the dates on last years budget and runs off copies for the new year.

9) There is a woman in the church that you are deathly afraid of.

10) You have two people you consider friends at the church. One of them is in the third grade.

11) When the phone rings you’re just praying you don’t hear the words “Preacher I need to get in the church.” 

12) You have a church van…YOU have a church van.

13) You have to plan your vacation around VBS.

14) You are regularly volunteered by a specific person in your church without being asked first.

15) There is a man in the church that once said to you “Preacher, do you know how much money I give to this church?”

16) Most of the charter members seats are marked with small blankets in the sanctuary.

17) A couple of times a year someone wants to sing a country music song as a special.

18) The congregation appears to double in size when the choir comes down.

19) Your wife strategically plans her grocery store trips so she doesn’t run into as many church members.

20) There is a weekly spot in your bulletin that reads “The flowers in the sanctuary were given in memory of…”

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7 Responses to “You Might Be A Small Church Pastor If…”

  1. trekkerv (@trekkerv) March 25, 2013 at 9:21 am #

    I relate. With a little thought I am sure I could double this list.

  2. Ramona March 25, 2013 at 9:54 am #

    Love it! A lot of these ring true. Though thankfully this one, “There is a woman in the church that you are deathly afraid of.” — was only true in our previous church. Give it time, eh?

  3. Robert Kay March 26, 2013 at 6:52 am #

    I particularly enjoyed #10, but I believe you forgot one, when the septic tank has problems the properties committee unanimously votes for you to dig it up. All of a sudden you’re everyone and no one’s friend.

  4. Bob Rogers March 26, 2013 at 8:11 pm #

    Here’s some other ones you can add: “If a deacon comes over to take you squirrel hunting and y’all just walk into the woods from your back yard.”
    “If you have to stop talking during prayer meeting so Old Sam can call up his cows for feeding next door.”
    “If you fill the baptistry with a water hose (after you remove the cobwebs).”

  5. highplainsparson March 31, 2013 at 10:16 pm #

    A little too close for comfort, lol.

  6. Aaron April 10, 2013 at 9:14 am #

    These are funny and bring back some memories. I would encourage any pastor to do #13. Always be a part of VBS no matter the size of your church. It will keep you connected with the next set of deacons and tithers. LOL.

  7. tiredwife July 15, 2013 at 11:26 am #

    Soooo true. I would add 1) every week you sing the Doxology. 2) The church looks like a trophy shop with plaques on every pew, window and door.

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